It has been only one month since I’ve experienced the “EMPTY NEST” transition.  I knew in my heart that my 28 year old daughter needed her own adult space and a sense that her life was moving to a new level. Other friends her age were making changes in their lives. I didn’t want her to be left behind on our television couch with the remote control in her hand. I wanted her to feel a different kind of control, one that brought a rush of excitement from four walls she could call her own and the satisfaction of balancing real life responsibilities.
We spent several weeks together looking for a place that felt like it might be not too far or well located.  That process in itself bonded us more closely, gave us time to talk and laugh about moving out. Yes, we worried about the finances, but these would be inevitable and secondary to the need for a change that would make her feel like she was moving forward.
Seven years prior to this recent empty nest change, we had the BOOMERANG kid returning home after her graduation from college.  Like many families, we knew this stage would be the safety net she needed to become not only economically independent, but also emotionally ready to decide when and where she would become an adult woman on her own.
With traditional 1960’s experiences, my husband and I learned to adapt our thinking to the 2000 era.  We had both left our Saskatchewan farm homes at 16 years of age to get an education beyond high school. There were no jobs to return to, so we found city jobs. I also had to search newspaper ads for my first roommates. As four single, unattached 19 – 20 year olds (2 to each bedroom), we shared an apartment, the grocery kiddy and the cleaning chores.  What fun!!!
However, today 60% of the nation’s single, young adults end up moving back home. How each parent(s) welcomes them back and manages their adult child’s return to the nest varies. For us, there never was a thought that we needed a plan to live as a family.   She was our “little girl”, who would just reintegrate into our daily living routines.  One of my best decisions was to collect rent and save it for her future.
I learned along the way that to worry about what I could not control, was wasted energy. I also learned how to be a parent for an adult child, living in an economically different world. I read a lot to confirm that our family was not alone in these times.
Like many young people, our daughter came to realize that she had to go back to college. Her initial career choice only served to get her beyond high school.  Again, I learned to admire the courage and patience this generation needs to survive.
The one experience I drew from my 60’s upbringing was, that my parents trusted this natural passage of becoming an adult.  They didn’t jump to rescue me, because they knew everyone has to eventually become self-reliant and so, too, would my own children.
It’s hard to believe that one month has past.  As I reflect, I now know that I did my best to:
  • Prepare my child for living on her own – to be emotionally 
    OK with with being alone; what she would cook and eat wasn’t as important ;
    Nudge the process of independence – to recognize when my child needed my help or a plan to move forward, to become UNSTUCK, …;
    Devise an itemized budget for living away from home – to help her work with real figures, rather than fears of the unknown;
    Celebrate my child’s move to her new life; be present to listen and support, while giving her ownership and responsibility for her life;
    “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
WHAT ABOUT ME / US?
Well, I still have some work to do on moving my life forward, but I have also come to know:
  •  Welcome the stories of independence and freedom; See the humor and feel the relief;
                 Our daughter told us there was something wrong with her fridge.             My first response – “Oh no, a fridge repair bill!”             Her response -“My fridge doesn’t fill itself up like Mom’s!” 
  •  Learn how to buy groceries for just the 2 of us;
  •  Jump start my life with fun activities and renew a social life with my spouse and friends -perhaps, this is a time for a dinner date, to become more spontaneous, to try new interests, …
  •  Enjoy the quiet and peace – to appreciate the things we can be proud of and thankful for. 
Just as in the 60’s:
    What you can’t see or know, you can’t drive yourself crazy about.
To your boomerous life,
Margaret Adamson