Many men struggle with sex addictions. But in the United States today, a growing number of women also are falling prey to pornography and perversion.
Marsha is a 32-year-old woman who appears to have a perfect life. She is the attractive, healthy wife of a successful doctor in town and the mother of a terrific little boy. She began our first counseling session by saying, "I have everything going for me, but I have a problem I am so ashamed of that I can hardly tell you."
Through tears she told me her story, which included numerous rotating affairs and one-night stands with men. "I know it's wrong, and I've tried to stop," she cried. "I've repented many times, but I still do it over and over again."
Some of us would classify Marsha as simply an "adulteress" while others would pass off her problem as "just sin." But is it possible that Marsha struggles with sexual addiction? We're quick to assume that sexual addicts are always men, but recent studies indicate that in the last decade more and more women, including Christians, are struggling with sexual addiction.
What is sexual addiction? It is using a sexual activity as a way of coping with or "medicating" the emotional pain of one's past or present. This behavior becomes compulsive, oftentimes at the expense of loved ones or responsibilities. The sex addict, whether male or female, goes into a sexual fantasy or sexual behavior in order to find solace in his or her life.
Why would a woman need to escape? Many sex addicts—44 percent—are survivors of sexual abuse. Sixty-five percent say they were raped, and 53 percent say they were raped more than once. For 96 percent, their first sexual encounter had a direct impact on their sexual addictive behavior. Other statistics include the 79 percent who say they have had extramarital affairs.
The list continues: 48 percent have contracted a venereal disease; 59 percent have had an abortion; 52 percent have eating disorders; and 50 percent have alcohol problems.
Soul Pain
Female sex addicts are often women with severe emotional pain and low self-esteem. They view themselves as sexually damaged and feel as though they are limping through life. Their "soul pain" often begins in childhood or adolescence, and sex becomes the "medicine" for their hurting hearts.
There is also a physiological process accompanying their sexual behavior. Most sex addicts don't realize that during sexual release the highest level of endorphins and enkephalins are transmitted to the medial preoptic nucleus in the brain. In essence, the brain gets a strong chemical reward that attaches to whatever or whomever the person is looking at—whether real or imaginary, pornography or fantasy.
As Christians, we can understand why God intended to reserve sex solely for marriage—so that husband and wife attach only to each other.
Often the sexually addicted woman becomes addicted to the sexual high from this fantasy. She becomes "hooked," so to speak. This makes sense when we read Paul's words, "All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body" (1 Cor. 6:18, NIV). The sex addict is setting up a biological device that is unhealthy for her and destructive to her faith.
Even a Spirit-filled woman who regularly prays and reads God's Word can have a sexual reward system that moves her into desiring what she knows is wrong. Internal struggles occur as her body desires her conditioned behavior, even though her spirit desires purity. Some of these women may feel God made them defective and unworthy of any real love.
Setting the Captive Free
Thank God for Jesus, who came to set the captives free! Many of the sexually addicted women and men who fly from all over the country to our office are Spirit-filled believers.
How can that be, you ask? Most of them need healing in their souls.
In 1 Thessalonians 5:23 Paul encourages us to sanctify our spirit, soul and body. Sexual addiction can be rooted in any or all these areas within the body.
I remember vividly when I accepted Christ as my Savior at 19 years of age. He instantly delivered me from alcohol and drugs. Yet I continued to struggle with sexual addiction.
Even a Spirit-filled woman who regularly prays and reads God's Word can have a sexual reward system that moves her into desiring what she knows is wrong. Internal struggles occur as her body desires her conditioned behavior, even though her spirit desires purity. Some of these women may feel God made them defective and unworthy of any real love.
Setting the Captive Free
Thank God for Jesus, who came to set the captives free! Many of the sexually addicted women and men who fly from all over the country to our office are Spirit-filled believers.
How can that be, you ask? Most of them need healing in their souls.
In 1 Thessalonians 5:23 Paul encourages us to sanctify our spirit, soul and body. Sexual addiction can be rooted in any or all these areas within the body.
I remember vividly when I accepted Christ as my Savior at 19 years of age. He instantly delivered me from alcohol and drugs. Yet I continued to struggle with sexual addiction.
Years later God started to heal me and showed me practical steps to take that would allow Him to begin healing my soul. As I obeyed these principles God set before me, I was able to break free and remain that way.
What does this freedom look like today? It is freedom from ongoing lust, freedom from the fear of someone finding out about the secrets, freedom to enjoy the real joy of intimacy with my spouse, and freedom of having a clear conscience before God and men. Plus, it's my greatest joy now to be able to help others get and stay free.
God wants every woman and man to have such freedom in their lives. He wants them to be free from the kinds of secrets Marsha was struggling with.
How does someone like Marsha get free and stay free? It's a process that involves several components. Not all sex addicts need to participate in each of these processes, though most women who are sexually addicted have to work through the list.
1. Honesty. She must be honest about herself, which means she can't have any secrets. Some women even go so far as to take polygraph exams so their husbands can know for sure that they are not engaging in sexual behaviors outside their marriages.
2. Accountability and support. Another component of this healing process is the need for accountability and support. Few churches have support groups for female sex addicts, though church would be a great place for this type of ministry. Some sexually addicted women attend a secular 12-step support group called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Others locate a support and accountability structure with other Christian women in their church.
3. Spiritual growth. Another aspect of the healing process requires a daily regimen that fosters spiritual growth. Reading God's Word, praying and fasting are great disciplines for those with addictions. Reading literature about recovering from female sex addiction is a crucial element in understanding the addiction and the recovery process. The Secret Solutions Workbook has more than 100 practical exercises that female addicts can walk through along with a female accountability partner or therapist.
4. Christian counseling. Christian counseling can also be very helpful. Unfortunately there are few Christian counselors who deal with sexual addiction. In my office I am blessed to have a female counselor who is a recovering sex addict and who offers telephone counseling and three-day intensive workshops for female sex addicts.
Safe People, Safe Havens Women such as Marsha can get free and stay free by following a lifestyle of honesty, accountability, support and spiritual growth. I have seen so many women, including former prostitutes, break free from their sexual addictions.
It's beautiful to see God restore a woman to her original grace and giftedness. As she gets free from her sexual behaviors, she often senses a spiritual calling.
In the research we conducted for the book She Has a Secret, we found that women who overcome sexual addiction are twice as likely to start regularly attending church and become active members. Without shame or fear they can lift up holy hands and worship God with sincere adoration. My experience is that those who are forgiven much, love much—just as Jesus said about the woman who washed His feet with her tears and hair.
I encourage churches to start Freedom Groups, which are accountability work groups for men and women to break free from sexual addiction. This is a vast plague facing the church today. If the church is deaf to these cries, sex addicts will have to seek secular help. Today's church can take the lead in healing the brokenhearted.
Regularly I am seeing women and men called into this healing ministry. What a great day it is when the sexually broken in the world can go to a church to get and stay free.
My prayer is that any woman struggling with a secret life of sexual addiction will take the next step and tell a safe person. She needs to ask God for direction and to send her someone who can help. Who knows—she may eventually become that safe haven for others who are enduring the torment of a secret life.
What happened to Marsha? She's doing great! Not only is she a strong, beautiful Christian woman, but she is happily married and sexually pure. She graduated from college and is now helping other women to overcome struggles similar to hers.
Isn't that just like Jesus, to take a person such as Marsha and raise her out of the rubble of abuse, neglect, pain and shame and move her into a life-giving ministry? I have seen the process of this miracle repeated so often in our office that we've come to expect miraculous outcomes when hurting souls walk through our door!
Douglas Weiss, L.P.C. is executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center. He is the author of books including She Has a Secret: Understanding Female Sexual Addiction and the Secret Solutions Workbook, both from Discovery Press.This article was featured in our free email publication, SpiritLed Woman e-Magazine, sign up here.
Spiritled Woman http://www.charismamag.com/life/women/9749-a-secret-shame
My husband cheated on me...he used a condom, but am I still at risk for STDs?
Q: My husband cheated on me...he used a condom, but am I still at risk for STDs?My husband just admitted that he cheated on me a few years ago. I know that after he did, I got some type of infection that the doctor cleared up with medication. He said he used a condom with the other woman. Could he have transmitted an STD from her to me even though he used a condom with her? Second, I might leave him...how long should I wait before having sex with someone new?
ANSWERED BY
ERIC CHRISTOFF, MD, AAHIVM
ERIC CHRISTOFF, MD, AAHIVM
A: Thank you for your questions. It can be painful to learn that your spouse cheated...all kinds of emotions can rise to the surface. I’ll do what I can to address your concerns.
First, do you know if the infection for which you were treated was an STD? Many non-sexual vaginal infections (like a yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis) have similar symptoms to STDs. So the only way you would know if you had – or have– an STD is to get tested.
I encourage you to talk with your doctor about your previous infection...and your possible exposure to an STD. Testing for common STDs– including chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes 1 & 2, syphilis and others– might be a good idea in your situation. And the sooner you know your STD status, the sooner you can get treated, if necessary...and you’ll have a better idea of what steps to take to protect your health and that of a future sexual partner.
As for your husband’s indiscretion...
Yes, even if he used a condom, he still could have caught a sexually transmitted infection and passed it on to you. How? While safer sex practices like using condoms reduce the risk of catching an STD from an infected partner, they’re not foolproof. Condoms don’t cover the entire genital area...so, for example, direct contact between the vulva and scrotum could transmit an infection. Genital herpes and genital warts are the most common STDs transmitted through skin-to-skin contact, so you may want to mention these possibilities to your doctor. You can also learn more about these and other STDs in our Expert Guides.
How long should you wait before having sex with a new partner? Most STDs won’t clear up on their own...so just waiting a certain amount of time won’t make you more or less infectious. Rather, before you have oral, vaginal or anal sex with a new partner, I would encourage both of you to get tested for STDs. Again, that’s the only way to know if one of you has an infection.
If you find out that you do have an STD, you can take the necessary precautions to keep each other as healthy as possible. For example, chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis and syphilis can all be easily cured with a dose of antibiotics. HIV, herpes and hepatitis can’t be cured...but there are effective treatment options that can help manage symptoms and reduce the risk of transmission. Of course, I would also encourage you to practice safer sex by using a condom for vaginal and anal sex; and a condom or dental dam for oral sex.
Finally, before you start a new relationship, you may wish to see a counselor to help you work through any lingering emotional concerns you may have about your marriage and your husband’s infidelity. I wish you good luck and good health as you move forward.
Dr. Christoff is a practicing physician at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, as well as Assistant Professor of Clinical Medicine at the Feinberg School of Medicine, Northwestern University. His areas of expertise include the treatment of HIV and syphilis along with other STDs, the medical treatment of depression and chronic fatigue, and the specific health needs of gay and lesbian patients. Dr. Christoff was educated at the University of Toledo, College of Medicine and completed his residency at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center in Chicago, IL.
The Key to a Lasting Marriage
And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
Do you remember the Energizer Bunny? He was the mascot and marketing icon for Energizer Batteries. That little rabbit beat a bass drum … and he never stopped. He just kept going and going and going.
Wouldn’t it be nice if marriages were like that? Wouldn’t it be nice if, when you tied the knot, it wasn’t a slipknot? The sad truth is that tons of marriages don’t seem to last as long as an Energizer Battery.
I performed a wedding one time for a marriage that ended up lasting only four months. Four Months! I was shocked and dismayed. The couple went through nine weeks of premarital counseling and still trashed their wedding vows after four short months. Now, whenever I do a wedding, I have the couple repeat after me, “Divorce is not an option.” As Ruth Graham once said, “I never considered divorcing Billy, but I did think of murdering him.” She was obviously kidding about the latter.
WHAT IS THE KEY?
Without question, if you want to have a good and lasting marriage, one that keeps going and going and going, getting better and better as time marches on, there is one big requirement. It is the “F” word – forgiveness.
What is the source of all the problems in marriage? It is simple. Guys, you married a sinner. And she married a bigger one! When you get two sinners together, there will be fireworks, disagreements, hurt feelings and the need to seek forgiveness and grant forgiveness.
1. Seek Forgiveness. When you do something dumb, selfish and hurtful, be quick to take full responsibility and humbly and genuinely apologize. Don’t go to bed until you make right those things you made wrong. A good maxim to live by in your relationship with the Lord and your spouse: “When you mess up, fess up.” Spit on your pride and your rights and be quick to seek forgiveness for your sins and failures.
2. Grant Forgiveness. When your feelings have been hurt, don’t hold on to the hurt. Let it go. Even if your spouse does not seek forgiveness, grant it to him/her. Every hurt eventually turns to anger. And unresolved anger turns to bitterness and resentment, two poisonous snakes that inject their venom into the marriage until the love is dead and an icy cold fills the once happy home. God’s Word is clear, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (Ephesians 4:26-27). Talk through problems, hurts and issues in the marriage. Don’t let molehills turn into mountains. Give your hurts to God and refuse to live in unforgiveness.
OUR STORY
On Tuesday, March 15th, Debbie and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. We can honestly say that we love each other way more today than we did when we married at 23. Although we have had our fair share of bumps in the road, we have made the Lord our cornerstone and practiced seeking and granting forgiveness. It has made all the difference in the world.
In your marriage now (or marriage to come for those who are single), make it your goal to be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving. If you are thinking of throwing in the towel on your marriage, seek godly counsel before you do anything of the sort. God specializes in raising the dead. He can even raise your dead marriage, if you let Him.
Love,
Jeff Schreve is Senior Pastor of First Baptist Church in Texarkana, Texas. He and his wife Debbie have been married for over 20 years and are blessed with three wonderful girls. Jeff began From His Heart Ministries, a radio and television ministry, in January of 2005. This ministry is completely listener/viewer supported. It continues only through the faithful and generous gifts of people like you. Pastor Jeff takes no salary from this ministry. All gifts go to further the broadcast.
When The Flame Flickers: Rekindling Intimacy In Your Marriage
How do you deal with shattered dreams and broken hearts in a marriage relationship? Where can you find hope to rebuild the worn and damaged pieces? Find answers to help you bring restoration to your marriage as counselor Tim Jackson examines God’s original design for oneness in marriage. Experience the shared wonder of God’s plan for your marriage, when you allow Him to rekindle the fire.
Discovery Series is part of the RBC Ministries family of resources. Offering more than 200 Bible-based teachings from the study of Scripture to topics on everyday life, this collection of writings is designed to promote spiritual growth and enrichment in your walk with Christ.
Helping you to apply the life-changing wisdom of the Bible in every season of life is a hallmark of the Discovery Series. Within the pages of these booklets you’ll find biblical studies that reveal God’s heart for mankind. In addition to providing you with messages of encouragement and hope, these teachings also offer godly counsel to help you make wise decisions.
Filled with fresh perspectives on God’s Word and practical guidelines for application, each 32-page, easy-to-read booklet can be used for individual or group study. Take the journey to a deeper understanding of God and discover how you can live a complete and meaningful life.
The Discovery Series collection is available to you at no cost or obligation. All titles may be viewed online in PDF and printed copies of selected titles may also be ordered. A printed copy of the Discovery Series Resource Catalog, which contains a descriptive listing of all booklets, may be ordered or viewed/downloaded online in PDF.
We are grateful for the support given to RBC Ministries. Many people, making even the smallest of donations, enable us to reach others with the life-changing wisdom of the Bible. RBC Ministries is not funded or endowed by any group or denomination.
Helping you to apply the life-changing wisdom of the Bible in every season of life is a hallmark of the Discovery Series. Within the pages of these booklets you’ll find biblical studies that reveal God’s heart for mankind. In addition to providing you with messages of encouragement and hope, these teachings also offer godly counsel to help you make wise decisions.
Filled with fresh perspectives on God’s Word and practical guidelines for application, each 32-page, easy-to-read booklet can be used for individual or group study. Take the journey to a deeper understanding of God and discover how you can live a complete and meaningful life.
The Discovery Series collection is available to you at no cost or obligation. All titles may be viewed online in PDF and printed copies of selected titles may also be ordered. A printed copy of the Discovery Series Resource Catalog, which contains a descriptive listing of all booklets, may be ordered or viewed/downloaded online in PDF.
We are grateful for the support given to RBC Ministries. Many people, making even the smallest of donations, enable us to reach others with the life-changing wisdom of the Bible. RBC Ministries is not funded or endowed by any group or denomination.
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