Top 10 Chick Flicks

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10 films that drive women to the theaters and drive men crazy

by Kim Morgan
Special to MSN Movies

Sorry guys, but cinema just wouldn't be the same without movies for and about women. And we don't just mean movies about pretty women, but all women and their issues -- something many guys don't usually have the patience for in real life. That's what sisters are for, right?

How To Be A Sexy Christian Wife

I’m slowly developing my own philosophy on what a marriage blog should be about. I really like the Red Pill Philosophy written by Athol Kay of MMSL,

Red Pill Philosophy (Sexy Christian Wife style):

Men need to be alpha (manly, attractive, dominant, teasing, financially stable, the captain of their marriage, physically fit, entertaining) and beta (kind, servant-like, loving, good father, responsible)

Women need to be alpha (pretty, crazy into sex, feminine, physically fit, entertaining) and beta (keeps home clean, cooks meals, kind, loving, respectful to husband, submissive, good mother, responsible)

Bumper Stickers

* FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

* I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

* What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

* Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

* To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt her.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* A closed mouth gathers no foot.

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Where there's smoke, there's dinner.

FUN THINGS TO DO DURING BORING SERMONS

~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

~ See if a yawn really is contagious.

~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

FUN THINGS TO DO DURING BORING SERMONS

~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

~ See if a yawn really is contagious.

~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

Top 10 memorable moments on ‘Late Show’

By Ed Sicam | Switching Channels 

I have been a fan of David Letterman since he hosted a 12:30 a.m. daily talk show on NBC in the 1980s. I got hooked on his quirky sense of humor and absurd stunts: watermelons and other objects being dropped from the top of a five-storey building or a dozen or more people dressed in different costumes entering a store and not buying anything.

He not only had the usual run of celebrity guests, authors and politicians on his show, he also pioneered segments like "Stupid Pet Tricks" and later, "Stupid Human Tricks." He also has a daily Top Ten list, a roll call of absurdities that began as a parody of the sexiest celebrities list the media cranks out regularly.

Recently, he featured "Top Ten Rejected Lionel Richie Song Lyrics" (Number 5: "Stuck on you / I bet you wish you weren't drunk / When you went and got that tattoo / Yes it's truly lame / That you misspelled your name"). He also had U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama deliver "Top Ten Fun Facts about Gardening" (Number 7: "In his lifetime, the average American will eat half a radish").

Father's Day. Funny Story

Hey it's Don here and since the whole world is celebrating Father's day I would like to share to you a funny yet insightful story: 

David Elkind, a psychologist, tells the story of visiting his middle son's nursery school class, at the request of his teacher. She wanted him to observe a "problem child" in the class. 

While he was there, he caught a conversation between his son and some other boys. There conversation went like this. 

Child A: "My daddy is a doctor and he makes lots of money and we have a swimming pool." 

Child B: "My daddy is a lawyer and he flies to Washington and talks to the president." 

Child C: "My daddy owns a company and we have our own airplane." 

Then David Elkind's boy said, "My daddy is here!" And he proudly looked in his father's direction. 

Dads, your presence means more than anything else to your children - more than your money, more than your position at work, more than the toys you buy them. Your time means more to them than anything else, because it says, "I care." 
http://www.supremememorybook.com 

In Him, 
Don and Dawn

Father's Day Revenge

This father's day, get even for the kitchen appliance your husband gave you for mother's day.

http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/fathers-day-revenge

Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

http://www.cybersalt.org/clean-jokes/fathering

Fatherly Chat

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancé to his study for a chat. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Bible college student." he replies.

"A Bible college student. Hmmm," the father says, "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

Humor : Got Milk?

There once was a 94-year-old rabbi in the 1890's in a small shtetle in Poland whose worn-out body began to surrender. The shtetle doctor prescribed for him a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax him.

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, he declined. But the doctor heard that the rabbi loved milk. So he instructed the rabbi’s wife to spike his milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly rabbi approached his final hour. As several of the townsfolk gathered around him at his bedside, the townsfolk asked if there were any words of wisdom the rabbi wanted to leave to the people in the town.

"Oh, yes," he replied. "Never sell that cow!"


http://www.aish.com/j/j/86323817.html

Humor : In an Instant

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. God is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, God closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," God replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to you God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," God says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

Humor : Location, Location, Location!

submitted by: David Minkoff

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?".
Hymie replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab replied, "I don't want a tie, I need water."

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.

Hymie said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."

http://www.aish.com/j/j/87320727.html

Humor : Work Smarter, Not Harder

Back in Poland, in the shtetl, Rabbi Felder sees a young farmer struggling to reload a cart that had lost its load of hay.

"You look hot young man," said the rabbi. "Why don't you rest a moment and then I'll give you a hand?"

"No, thanks," said the young boy. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the rabbi said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come, have a drink of water. Rest in the shade."

Again the young man protested. "Oh, no, rabbi. My father would be real mad!"

Losing his patience, the rabbi said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him; I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

The young farmer replied, "He's right there under that pile of hay!"

http://www.aish.com/j/j/88138632.html

Humor - I’ve lost my appetite

Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda, were sitting on a bench in Central Park having a serious conversation.

"Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don't understand something. I simply have no appetite lately. No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite."

Gertrude said, "Listen Zelda, my doctor, the lovely Doctor Myers, once told me that if I didn't have an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before meals and I would soon get an appetite. I tried it and it was true. So take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and you'll see, you'll develop an appetite."

A few days later the two meet again in the park.

"Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? Did the herring give you an appetite?"

Zelda sighed, "I took your advice. First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance, so I ate six herrings. But Gertrude, your advice didn't work for me. Would you believe, when lunch time came, I had absolutely no appetite!"

http://www.aish.com/j/j/88144262.html

Humor - Running in Empty

Itzik Smadar was locked out of his Tel Aviv apartment and he was extremely tired after a 20 hour shift so he decided to just park somewhere quiet and sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of Tel Aviv’s major jogging routes. After only a couple of house, Itzik was woken up by a knock on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Do you have the time?" the jogger asked.

Itzik looked at his car clock and answered, "5:30".

You Make Me Laugh : Government Pipe Specifications

1.  All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2.  All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3.  The I.D.  (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.  (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4.  All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5.  All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B.  Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe.  If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

What do you think cat's do?

http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/what-cats-do

Heavenly Rates at the Heavenly Gates

A man dies and goes to heaven. One of God’s angels meets the man and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, “I never ate a piece of non-kosher food in my 90 years. Nothing.”

"That's wonderful," says the angel, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended synagogue all my life and always gave as much tzedakah as I could."

"Terrific!" says the angel, "that's certainly worth a point."

If I Were a Rich Man

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Just Rewards

A man who had died was waiting at the gates of heaven. He had lived a perfect life and had a clear idea in his mind what heaven would be like. He had foregone all the earthly pleasures and anxiously awaited his rewards in the World to Come.

As he was waiting, he saw a cloud pass by. As the cloud got closer, he saw people on the cloud having a great time. They were singing, dancing, and having great fun. They were dining on exquisite food, wearing the best clothes, and drinking the best wines, and laughter and merriment echoed throughout the sky. This must be the reward in the World to Come, he thought.

His escort arrived at the gate. The escort told the man that he had lived a good life and he was going to now take him to his new home. The man said, "If it is all the same to you, I would like to live on that cloud!"